“I’ve been waiting for this day for years,” said local resident Greg W. Greg lives three blocks from the new station and until Wednesday had been forced to walk slightly further to Northgate station.

“It’s hard to put into words,” Greg said holding back tears. “Because of this station, I’ll be able to sleep in an extra two minutes.”

And Greg is not alone.

Among those celebrating the historic opening was local transit enthusiast Caleb L. who arrived early on Wednesday morning wearing a Sound Transit hoodie and carrying what witnesses described as “several maps.”

“This changes everything,” Caleb said, before boarding a train going to the same place trains were already going.

Also excited was University of Washington student Maddie Q. “Yeah, that’s cool,” Maddie said. With most of her classes still conducted online, Maddie said she might use the station “once in a while.”

“It really adds to the view at Northgate,” commented Rob J. before boarding the train at Northgate station.

One Sound Transit employee, Derek P. and his wife Melinda are also excited. “We live in Federal Way,” said Derek waiting for the bus along with several others.

The new station, located at NE 130th Street and 5th Avenue NE, sits between the existing Northgate and Shoreline South/148th stations and is expected to serve tens of riders each day.

Should children be exposed to fentanyl?

After careful deliberation, the council narrowly arrived at the controversial position of “Probably not.”

The council voted 5–1 to approve an ordinance making it a crime to expose children to fentanyl and other controlled substances. Who knew common sense would have a dissenter!

City officials celebrated the breakthrough, finally closing the legal gray area between “Don’t let children play with matches” and “Don’t let children play with deadly synthetic opioids.”

The meeting became heated as council members debated whether the city was moving too quickly.

One council member valiantly attacked the proposal, declaring that it might be offensive to our neighbors trying to make an honest living drug-dealing. How brave.

Other council members wondered whether the city should commission a study, assemble a task force, conduct community listening sessions, hire a consultant, and schedule a 2028 advisory vote before formally declaring fentanyl bad for toddlers.

The ordinance ultimately passed despite concerns about whether the council had adequate time to ponder whether drugs are bad for kids.

Parents across Lynnwood can now rest easier knowing that the City Council has officially weighed in on the controversial issue.

Along with the new ordinance, council members also advised that parents also:

• Keep children away from electrical outlets.

• Don’t let toddlers operate heavy machinery.

• And avoid feeding newborns any products from Taco Bell.

But the council’s work is not finished. Sources say next month officials could take up an equally divisive proposal outlawing carjacking.

According to sources inside City Hall, the consultant was dismissed shortly after presenting Wilson with preliminary research indicating that telling residents to leave is not traditionally considered a winning economic-development strategy.

“I just said we might want to workshop the messaging,” said former consultant Duncan, carrying a box of his things out of City Hall. “Maybe something like, ‘We value everyone who chooses to call Washington home.’”

Wilson reportedly shot down that critique, once again stating, “like, bye,” and gesturing to the door.

Duncan, a 340-pound western lowland gorilla, quietly gathered his belongings and left.

The 17-year veteran of political communications had served in the Wilson administration for six months after being recruited from Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo, where officials said he had demonstrated an unusual aptitude for crisis communications and Microsoft PowerPoint.

Palmer reportedly tried one final time to explain that the mayor’s office may eventually need some of those millionaires to remain in Washington in order to tax them.

Sources described the room as “uncomfortable.”

“Duncan could be difficult,” said one City Hall staffer. “Sometimes you’d present an idea and he’d just sit there eating a banana and staring at you.”

“But then eventually you’d realize he had a point.”

City Hall has already begun searching for Duncan’s replacement.

According to sources, Wilson is looking for someone who will be less confrontational.

Alan, a capuchin monkey, is the current frontrunner for the position.

The groundbreaking proposal comes just days after Washington approved a new 9.9% tax on income above $1 million.

“For too long, Washington’s millionaires haven’t been paying their fair share,” said one Democrat lawmaker. “The problem is we don’t have enough of them.”

Under the new plan, that problem is expected to disappear almost immediately.

Cashiers, baristas, janitors, landscapers, and every teenager working at Dairy Queen will become millionaires overnight, dramatically expanding the state’s pool of wealthy taxpayers.

Framing it as a “win-win” Democrat party leaders said the policy represents a rare opportunity to simultaneously fight income inequality and increase taxes on the rich.

“Every Washingtonian deserves the opportunity to succeed,” said another supporter. “And, after we tax those making $2 million, we may finally start seeing progress.”

Small-business owners initially expressed concerns about the proposal after learning that employing four people would now cost more than $4 million per year.

State officials quickly dismissed those concerns.

“If businesses can’t afford to pay a living wage, maybe they shouldn’t be in business,” one official explained.

Economists also raised questions about whether paying everyone $1 million might cause inflation or otherwise diminish the purchasing power of $1 million.

Lawmakers said they had already anticipated that problem.

“We’ll just raise the minimum wage again.”

At press time, Washington officials were reportedly considering increasing the minimum wage to $2 million or $3 million, creating thousands of new multimillionaires.

The honorary degree was presented during a small ceremony Monday afternoon. Attendees included mainly staff although registration for the event was reportedly maxed out.

“Rick has spent decades traveling throughout Europe,” said the center’s director Omar Ali. “So when it comes to economics, frankly, we’re not sure who would be more qualified.”

Steves graciously accepted the honor, once again insisting that people care deeply about his opinions.

“I’ve been to Denmark,” he said.

The audience of 6 erupted in applause.

The learing center said Steves will now be permitted to use the title “Dr. Steves” whenever discussing tax policy, income inequality, healthcare, or charming victorian architecture.

Critics questioned whether decades of travel experience constituted sufficient training to receive an advanced degree in economics.

When asked for a response, Steves dismissed those concerns. “I’ve also been to Guatemala.”

Faculty immediately began discussing tenure.

At press time, the learing center was reportedly preparing to award Steves an honorary doctorate in urban planning after discovering he had also ridden a train.

“This is huge,” said Trevor, a local heroin addict. “I’ve never been to Mercer Island, and now my friends and I will be able to visit!”

Trevor said he had previously considered visiting the affluent suburb but was discouraged by the lack of convenient public transportation.

“I don’t have a car,” he explained.

That problem is now solved!

For the first time, light rail riders are now able to travel directly from downtown Seattle across Lake Washington to Mercer Island, opening the island’s quiet residential neighborhoods, parks, and commercial district to an entirely new demographic of visitors.

Mercer Island residents also expressed enthusiasm about the increased connectivity.

“I think public transportation is incredibly important,” said Mercer Island resident and transit activist Jennifer D., who currently lives with her parents.

“It reduces emissions, gets cars off the road, and makes our communities more accessible.”

When asked what her parents thought about making their community more accessible, Jennifer declined to comment, stating that they were “literal fascists” and that it wasn’t really their house anyway because it was “built on stolen land.”

Sound Transit officials emphasized that the new connection will benefit people from all walks of life by making it easier to travel throughout the region without a car.

“That’s what I love about public transit,” Trevor said watching the train pull up. “It’s for everybody.”

Colleagues said they became concerned when Fitzgibbon, normally enthusiastic about increasing taxes, failed to appear even after someone announced there would be alcohol involved.

“We tried everything,” said one staffer. “We texted him. Called him. Someone even opened a bottle of Cabernet in the hallway and started clinking glasses together.”

Nothing.

Lawmakers eventually began the meeting without him.

“This is very unlike Joe,” said another colleague. “He loves taxes!”

Capitol security reportedly conducted an extensive search of the Capitol grounds, checking his office, the House chamber, and several nearby happy hours.

Joe showed up at his office three hours later, looking disheveled and carrying a half-eaten bag of Doritos.

“Where have you been?” one aide asked.

Fitzgibbon reportedly stared at him for several seconds.

“Research.”

Staffers quickly ushered him inside after he attempted to explain that he had spent the afternoon conducting an “impact study” at three nearby establishments.

Asked whether the proposed alcohol tax might discourage drinking, Fitzgibbon became visibly concerned.

“Wait,” he said. “It does what?”

“I feel like such an idiot,” said landlord John D. “For years I just deposited the monthly check and went about my life. I had no idea I was supposed to be thinking about this constantly.”

John’s horrifying mistake was discovered after he learned Washington now publishes the maximum amount covered landlords can raise rent each year.

For 2026, that number is just under 10%.

John stared at the figure for several minutes.

“Wait. I can charge more?”

His tenant, meanwhile, had spent the past six years blissfully unaware that her landlord was a moron.

“I paid on time. He fixed things when they broke. Sometimes we’d wave at each other,” said tenant Amy J. “It was awful. We had absolutely no idea what the market rate was.”

Thankfully, the state intervened.

“I’m so thankful for the state ensuring that everyone raises rent the same amount each year,” Amy told Northwest Lampoon. “…Before this law, some landlords might forget to raise rent altogether. Thankfully, Olympia has eliminated that kind of reckless behavior.”

“We’ve spent years preparing for fascism,” said one sweaty activist between gasps on a treadmill. “Unfortunately, nobody prepared us for a 5K.”

The crisis reportedly began after black-clad protesters attempted to chase Choe away while he was filming.

There was just one problem.

Choe ran…

… in flip-flops.

Witnesses say the pursuing activists made an impressive showing for approximately 4 yards before the combination of skinny jeans, tactical gear, cigarettes, and several years without organized athletics began taking its toll.

One activist reportedly called off the pursuit after getting light headed.

Another stopped to adjust his keffiyeh and use his inhaler.

A third simply yelled, “COME BACK HERE!” from a distance.

The defeat has prompted soul-searching throughout Seattle’s activist community.

“We have medics. We have legal observers. We have communications teams,” explained organizer Ember X. Moon. “Somehow nobody thought to get a strength and conditioning coach.”

That is now changing.

Sources say activists have begun an intensive new training regimen consisting of light walking around Cal Anderson Park, doing three push-ups (girlie-style accepted), and flag waving in 5-minute intervals.

Organizers are also reportedly encouraging members to cut back to only four cigarettes before demonstrations.

Choe, meanwhile, has refused to reveal the secret behind his elite athletic performance.

“Maybe it’s the flip-flops,” speculated one blue-haired activist.

At press time, Antifa leadership had announced that all future pursuits of Choe would require at least six weeks of advance notice and a mandatory stretching period.

They are also reportedly considering Lime bikes and scooters.