Should children be exposed to fentanyl?

After careful deliberation, the council narrowly arrived at the controversial position of “Probably not.”

The council voted 5–1 to approve an ordinance making it a crime to expose children to fentanyl and other controlled substances. Who knew common sense would have a dissenter!

City officials celebrated the breakthrough, finally closing the legal gray area between “Don’t let children play with matches” and “Don’t let children play with deadly synthetic opioids.”

The meeting became heated as council members debated whether the city was moving too quickly.

One council member valiantly attacked the proposal, declaring that it might be offensive to our neighbors trying to make an honest living drug-dealing. How brave.

Other council members wondered whether the city should commission a study, assemble a task force, conduct community listening sessions, hire a consultant, and schedule a 2028 advisory vote before formally declaring fentanyl bad for toddlers.

The ordinance ultimately passed despite concerns about whether the council had adequate time to ponder whether drugs are bad for kids.

Parents across Lynnwood can now rest easier knowing that the City Council has officially weighed in on the controversial issue.

Along with the new ordinance, council members also advised that parents also:

• Keep children away from electrical outlets.

• Don’t let toddlers operate heavy machinery.

• And avoid feeding newborns any products from Taco Bell.

But the council’s work is not finished. Sources say next month officials could take up an equally divisive proposal outlawing carjacking.

The honorary degree was presented during a small ceremony Monday afternoon. Attendees included mainly staff although registration for the event was reportedly maxed out.

“Rick has spent decades traveling throughout Europe,” said the center’s director Omar Ali. “So when it comes to economics, frankly, we’re not sure who would be more qualified.”

Steves graciously accepted the honor, once again insisting that people care deeply about his opinions.

“I’ve been to Denmark,” he said.

The audience of 6 erupted in applause.

The learing center said Steves will now be permitted to use the title “Dr. Steves” whenever discussing tax policy, income inequality, healthcare, or charming victorian architecture.

Critics questioned whether decades of travel experience constituted sufficient training to receive an advanced degree in economics.

When asked for a response, Steves dismissed those concerns. “I’ve also been to Guatemala.”

Faculty immediately began discussing tenure.

At press time, the learing center was reportedly preparing to award Steves an honorary doctorate in urban planning after discovering he had also ridden a train.