“I’ve been waiting for this day for years,” said local resident Greg W. Greg lives three blocks from the new station and until Wednesday had been forced to walk slightly further to Northgate station.

“It’s hard to put into words,” Greg said holding back tears. “Because of this station, I’ll be able to sleep in an extra two minutes.”

And Greg is not alone.

Among those celebrating the historic opening was local transit enthusiast Caleb L. who arrived early on Wednesday morning wearing a Sound Transit hoodie and carrying what witnesses described as “several maps.”

“This changes everything,” Caleb said, before boarding a train going to the same place trains were already going.

Also excited was University of Washington student Maddie Q. “Yeah, that’s cool,” Maddie said. With most of her classes still conducted online, Maddie said she might use the station “once in a while.”

“It really adds to the view at Northgate,” commented Rob J. before boarding the train at Northgate station.

One Sound Transit employee, Derek P. and his wife Melinda are also excited. “We live in Federal Way,” said Derek waiting for the bus along with several others.

The new station, located at NE 130th Street and 5th Avenue NE, sits between the existing Northgate and Shoreline South/148th stations and is expected to serve tens of riders each day.

According to sources inside City Hall, the consultant was dismissed shortly after presenting Wilson with preliminary research indicating that telling residents to leave is not traditionally considered a winning economic-development strategy.

“I just said we might want to workshop the messaging,” said former consultant Duncan, carrying a box of his things out of City Hall. “Maybe something like, ‘We value everyone who chooses to call Washington home.’”

Wilson reportedly shot down that critique, once again stating, “like, bye,” and gesturing to the door.

Duncan, a 340-pound western lowland gorilla, quietly gathered his belongings and left.

The 17-year veteran of political communications had served in the Wilson administration for six months after being recruited from Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo, where officials said he had demonstrated an unusual aptitude for crisis communications and Microsoft PowerPoint.

Palmer reportedly tried one final time to explain that the mayor’s office may eventually need some of those millionaires to remain in Washington in order to tax them.

Sources described the room as “uncomfortable.”

“Duncan could be difficult,” said one City Hall staffer. “Sometimes you’d present an idea and he’d just sit there eating a banana and staring at you.”

“But then eventually you’d realize he had a point.”

City Hall has already begun searching for Duncan’s replacement.

According to sources, Wilson is looking for someone who will be less confrontational.

Alan, a capuchin monkey, is the current frontrunner for the position.

“This is huge,” said Trevor, a local heroin addict. “I’ve never been to Mercer Island, and now my friends and I will be able to visit!”

Trevor said he had previously considered visiting the affluent suburb but was discouraged by the lack of convenient public transportation.

“I don’t have a car,” he explained.

That problem is now solved!

For the first time, light rail riders are now able to travel directly from downtown Seattle across Lake Washington to Mercer Island, opening the island’s quiet residential neighborhoods, parks, and commercial district to an entirely new demographic of visitors.

Mercer Island residents also expressed enthusiasm about the increased connectivity.

“I think public transportation is incredibly important,” said Mercer Island resident and transit activist Jennifer D., who currently lives with her parents.

“It reduces emissions, gets cars off the road, and makes our communities more accessible.”

When asked what her parents thought about making their community more accessible, Jennifer declined to comment, stating that they were “literal fascists” and that it wasn’t really their house anyway because it was “built on stolen land.”

Sound Transit officials emphasized that the new connection will benefit people from all walks of life by making it easier to travel throughout the region without a car.

“That’s what I love about public transit,” Trevor said watching the train pull up. “It’s for everybody.”

“We’ve spent years preparing for fascism,” said one sweaty activist between gasps on a treadmill. “Unfortunately, nobody prepared us for a 5K.”

The crisis reportedly began after black-clad protesters attempted to chase Choe away while he was filming.

There was just one problem.

Choe ran…

… in flip-flops.

Witnesses say the pursuing activists made an impressive showing for approximately 4 yards before the combination of skinny jeans, tactical gear, cigarettes, and several years without organized athletics began taking its toll.

One activist reportedly called off the pursuit after getting light headed.

Another stopped to adjust his keffiyeh and use his inhaler.

A third simply yelled, “COME BACK HERE!” from a distance.

The defeat has prompted soul-searching throughout Seattle’s activist community.

“We have medics. We have legal observers. We have communications teams,” explained organizer Ember X. Moon. “Somehow nobody thought to get a strength and conditioning coach.”

That is now changing.

Sources say activists have begun an intensive new training regimen consisting of light walking around Cal Anderson Park, doing three push-ups (girlie-style accepted), and flag waving in 5-minute intervals.

Organizers are also reportedly encouraging members to cut back to only four cigarettes before demonstrations.

Choe, meanwhile, has refused to reveal the secret behind his elite athletic performance.

“Maybe it’s the flip-flops,” speculated one blue-haired activist.

At press time, Antifa leadership had announced that all future pursuits of Choe would require at least six weeks of advance notice and a mandatory stretching period.

They are also reportedly considering Lime bikes and scooters.