The groundbreaking proposal comes just days after Washington approved a new 9.9% tax on income above $1 million.

“For too long, Washington’s millionaires haven’t been paying their fair share,” said one Democrat lawmaker. “The problem is we don’t have enough of them.”

Under the new plan, that problem is expected to disappear almost immediately.

Cashiers, baristas, janitors, landscapers, and every teenager working at Dairy Queen will become millionaires overnight, dramatically expanding the state’s pool of wealthy taxpayers.

Framing it as a “win-win” Democrat party leaders said the policy represents a rare opportunity to simultaneously fight income inequality and increase taxes on the rich.

“Every Washingtonian deserves the opportunity to succeed,” said another supporter. “And, after we tax those making $2 million, we may finally start seeing progress.”

Small-business owners initially expressed concerns about the proposal after learning that employing four people would now cost more than $4 million per year.

State officials quickly dismissed those concerns.

“If businesses can’t afford to pay a living wage, maybe they shouldn’t be in business,” one official explained.

Economists also raised questions about whether paying everyone $1 million might cause inflation or otherwise diminish the purchasing power of $1 million.

Lawmakers said they had already anticipated that problem.

“We’ll just raise the minimum wage again.”

At press time, Washington officials were reportedly considering increasing the minimum wage to $2 million or $3 million, creating thousands of new multimillionaires.

Colleagues said they became concerned when Fitzgibbon, normally enthusiastic about increasing taxes, failed to appear even after someone announced there would be alcohol involved.

“We tried everything,” said one staffer. “We texted him. Called him. Someone even opened a bottle of Cabernet in the hallway and started clinking glasses together.”

Nothing.

Lawmakers eventually began the meeting without him.

“This is very unlike Joe,” said another colleague. “He loves taxes!”

Capitol security reportedly conducted an extensive search of the Capitol grounds, checking his office, the House chamber, and several nearby happy hours.

Joe showed up at his office three hours later, looking disheveled and carrying a half-eaten bag of Doritos.

“Where have you been?” one aide asked.

Fitzgibbon reportedly stared at him for several seconds.

“Research.”

Staffers quickly ushered him inside after he attempted to explain that he had spent the afternoon conducting an “impact study” at three nearby establishments.

Asked whether the proposed alcohol tax might discourage drinking, Fitzgibbon became visibly concerned.

“Wait,” he said. “It does what?”

“I feel like such an idiot,” said landlord John D. “For years I just deposited the monthly check and went about my life. I had no idea I was supposed to be thinking about this constantly.”

John’s horrifying mistake was discovered after he learned Washington now publishes the maximum amount covered landlords can raise rent each year.

For 2026, that number is just under 10%.

John stared at the figure for several minutes.

“Wait. I can charge more?”

His tenant, meanwhile, had spent the past six years blissfully unaware that her landlord was a moron.

“I paid on time. He fixed things when they broke. Sometimes we’d wave at each other,” said tenant Amy J. “It was awful. We had absolutely no idea what the market rate was.”

Thankfully, the state intervened.

“I’m so thankful for the state ensuring that everyone raises rent the same amount each year,” Amy told Northwest Lampoon. “…Before this law, some landlords might forget to raise rent altogether. Thankfully, Olympia has eliminated that kind of reckless behavior.”