SEATTLE, WA — Local Antifa cells have reportedly begun a mandatory cardio program after suffering the movement’s most humiliating setback yet: failing to catch journalist Jonathan Choe while he was wearing flip-flops.
“We’ve spent years preparing for fascism,” said one sweaty activist between gasps on a treadmill. “Unfortunately, nobody prepared us for a 5K.”
The crisis reportedly began after black-clad protesters attempted to chase Choe away while he was filming.
There was just one problem.
Choe ran…
… in flip-flops.
Witnesses say the pursuing activists made an impressive showing for approximately 4 yards before the combination of skinny jeans, tactical gear, cigarettes, and several years without organized athletics began taking its toll.
One activist reportedly called off the pursuit after getting light headed.
Another stopped to adjust his keffiyeh and use his inhaler.
A third simply yelled, “COME BACK HERE!” from a distance.
The defeat has prompted soul-searching throughout Seattle’s activist community.
“We have medics. We have legal observers. We have communications teams,” explained organizer Ember X. Moon. “Somehow nobody thought to get a strength and conditioning coach.”
That is now changing.
Sources say activists have begun an intensive new training regimen consisting of light walking around Cal Anderson Park, doing three push-ups (girlie-style accepted), and flag waving in 5-minute intervals.
Organizers are also reportedly encouraging members to cut back to only four cigarettes before demonstrations.
Choe, meanwhile, has refused to reveal the secret behind his elite athletic performance.
“Maybe it’s the flip-flops,” speculated one blue-haired activist.
At press time, Antifa leadership had announced that all future pursuits of Choe would require at least six weeks of advance notice and a mandatory stretching period.
They are also reportedly considering Lime bikes and scooters.