SPOKANE, WA — Former Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that investigators have determined a recent Spokane-area wildfire was started by a nomadic herd of Bigfoots migrating east toward Idaho—not by an arsonist, as is being reported.
“This is exactly what we’ve been warning about,” Inslee said. “As climate change disrupts the Bigfoots’ natural habitat, these majestic creatures are being forced into populated areas, where they are unfamiliar with fire codes, property lines, and the consequences of leaving a burning branch in a dry field.”
According to Inslee, investigators believe as many as 30 Bigfoots entered Spokane County last week after spending several months roaming the Cascade foothills.
The fire reportedly began when one of the creatures attempted to prepare a meal over an open flame.
“They’re very intelligent animals,” Inslee explained. “But they haven’t mastered fire safety.”
Witnesses described seeing a man fleeing east shortly after the blaze began.
Inslee cautioned Washingtonians against prematurely blaming an arsonist, citing the Bigfoots as the far more likely culprits.
“But these creatures are victims too,” he said shedding a tear. “Nobody asks why a Bigfoot would leave the forests of Western Washington and walk 300 miles toward Idaho. Climate change affects more than just people. It affects our hairy neighbors too.”
Reporters asked whether investigators had found any physical evidence linking the herd to the fire.
Inslee declined to comment.