OLYMPIA, WA — Washington House Majority Leader Joe Fitzgibbon was mysteriously nowhere to be found Wednesday as lawmakers gathered to discuss raising taxes on alcohol.
Colleagues said they became concerned when Fitzgibbon, normally enthusiastic about increasing taxes, failed to appear even after someone announced there would be alcohol involved.
“We tried everything,” said one staffer. “We texted him. Called him. Someone even opened a bottle of Cabernet in the hallway and started clinking glasses together.”
Nothing.
Lawmakers eventually began the meeting without him.
“This is very unlike Joe,” said another colleague. “He loves taxes!”
Capitol security reportedly conducted an extensive search of the Capitol grounds, checking his office, the House chamber, and several nearby happy hours.
Joe showed up at his office three hours later, looking disheveled and carrying a half-eaten bag of Doritos.
“Where have you been?” one aide asked.
Fitzgibbon reportedly stared at him for several seconds.
“Research.”
Staffers quickly ushered him inside after he attempted to explain that he had spent the afternoon conducting an “impact study” at three nearby establishments.
Asked whether the proposed alcohol tax might discourage drinking, Fitzgibbon became visibly concerned.
“Wait,” he said. “It does what?”